Let's get the facts straight about rappers...

[ism22]

It's all fake, none of them are gangsters and the 'music' (aka various remixes of 'uh huh... oh yeah... uh huh... slap that bizch... money in my mind...etc') sounds like shyte.

Here's some factually correct rapper profiles:

Snoop Dogg – The High Priest of Pretend Thuggery

• Real origin: Middle-class Long Beach kid, played piano at church, got into music via high school talent shows.
• Persona: Twisted hair, lit up some oregano, and suddenly became the weed-smoking prophet of the West.
• Reality: Spent more time with Martha Stewart than in court.
• Gangster rating: About as gangster as Bob Ross with a blunt.

Puff Daddy / P. Diddy / Love / etc.

• Real origin: Interned at Uptown Records, wore shiny suits, and danced next to better rappers.
• Career strategy: Rename self like a discount energy drink every time the market got bored.
• Highlight: Releasing an emotional Godzilla theme that sounds like your uncle got a Casio keyboard for Christmas.
• Gangster rating: Mr. Rogers in a leather jacket.

Tupac Shakur – “Poet” or Performance Art?

• Real origin: Baltimore arts school kid, studied Shakespeare and ballet.
• First gig: Digital Underground backup dancer (“Humpty Hump”, anyone?).
• Gangster turn: Hit the gas on “Thug Life” after signing a record deal.
• Endgame: Got capped after getting tangled in a beef with people who actually did gang things.
• Gangster rating: Hamlet with a bandana.

[ism22]

Drake – The Softest Hard Man Alive

• Real origin: Child actor on Degrassi who played a kid in a wheelchair. Grew up in Forest Hill, Toronto — an area best known for coffee shops, not gang turf wars.
• Persona: Heartbroken playboy with just enough fake patois to confuse both Jamaicans and Canadians.
• Signature move: Beefing with ghostwriters while singing about being emotionally unavailable.
• Hardest line ever: “You used to call me on my cell phone…”
• Gangster rating: Man gets hurt feelings in Helvetica.

[ism22]

Eminem – Angry Divorced Uncle With Bars

• Real origin: White kid from Detroit trailer parks, but with more Guns N’ Roses rage than gang ties.
• Persona: Speed-rapper fueled by Mountain Dew and childhood trauma. Made an entire career out of beefing with exes, his mum, and eventually… millennials.
• Signature move: Rhyme “orange” with a sound-alike throat noise, then call you stupid for not doing it first.
• Hardest line ever: Something about putting nails in coffins — but, like, metaphorically.
• Gangster rating: Rap battle dad who’d rather talk to HR than throw hands.

[ism22]

Kanye West (pre-2015) – The Genius with Wi-Fi Access

• Real origin: Middle-class Chicago kid raised by an English professor.
• Persona: Avant-garde revolutionary with a soul sample fetish and no filter.
• Era highlight: College Dropout and My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy — perfection.
• Hardest line ever: “No one man should have all that power…”
• Gangster rating: Steve Jobs with a drum machine.

Kanye West (post-2015) – Yeezus with Brain Fog

• New persona: Cult leader meets fashion designer meets conspiracy uncle.
• Career strategy: Tweet nonsense, contradict self, sell foam shoes for $800.
• Hardest line ever: “Slavery was a choice.” (Nope. Not even ironically.)
• Gangster rating: Someone take the aux cord from this man.

[ism22]

J. Cole – The Rap Game Substitute Teacher

• Real origin: Raised in a stable military family, graduated magna cum laude, made beats in college dorms.
• Persona: Hoodie-wearing philosopher of the streets who read one sociology textbook and never looked back.
• Career move: Built his brand by dissing materialism, then dropped surprise albums from a private jet.
• Hardest line ever: “I turn my life into a movie / I don’t do rehearsals.”
• Gangster rating: Has a bedtime and flosses regularly.

[milanja]

Haha, that made me laugh.

[Barron's Dream]

Absolutely nuts. I would say a racist and ignorant perspective as well.

[Carlos Parra]

The C is silent and mostly invisible.

[Andrew Walker]

The C is silent and mostly invisible.

Oh Carlos I’ve always said you had potential

[Carlos Parra]

Oh Carlos I’ve always said you had potential

Too kind.